All or Nothing: The Perils of Perfectionism

“If you’re going to do something, you should do it properly”. “There’s no point in starting something if you’re not going to finish it”. “I have to get 100%, otherwise, I’ve failed”. Can you relate to any of these narratives? If so, you may have been sold the myth that you must be PERFECT.

In my efforts to find the “perfect” definition for perfectionism, I came across these thought-provoking definitions.

Perfect:

• having all the required or desirable elements, qualities, or characteristics.

• absolute; complete.

  
  

Perfection

• the condition, state, or quality of being free from all flaws and defects.

• the action or process of improving something until it is faultless.

  
  

Perfectionism:

• a doctrine holding that perfection is attainable.

• a trait of mine that is showing in the making of this list.

  
  

The Perils of Perfectionism

It takes a lot of stress and anxiety to hold ourselves to these unrealistic and unrelenting high standards.

When we “fail” to reach these unsustainable goals, it can lower our self-esteem. This can then start a vicious cycle of thinking that if only we achieve 100%, then we’ll feel worthy and better about ourselves.

We continue to push, and when we do occasionally hit the 100%, we are terrified of losing it. So, we don’t necessarily obtain that sense of satisfaction when we achieve “perfection”.

This thought process can then generalise to our relationships with others. Our colleagues, family, friends, may also start to fall under these unrealistic expectations and we may wonder why they aren’t trying harder, or doing better.

We may become more irritable or put undue pressure onto others, which may in turn, create interpersonal tension and conflict.

“Should” could be removed from your vocabulary.

Start by noticing how often you tell yourself you “have to”, “should” or “must” do something. Why are these words problematic?

They imply that what we are doing isn’t good enough and that we need to push harder to achieve more.

This can sometimes be helpful when trying to push past our limits, but over time, it becomes unsustainable, disheartening, and unmotivating. This unhelpful self-talk can sometimes be called a “demanding critic” voice.

Do you also think in all-or-nothing/black and white terms? For example, “If I don’t get a High Distinction, all my study was wasted”, “Because they didn’t reply straight away, they don’t like me anymore”.

This is generally not particularly realistic or a helpful way to look at the situation. It suggests that things are a certain way and can’t be changed, thus leading to a sense of helplessness.

Healthier Alternatives to "Should"

Replacing “should” with “could” may seem like a small and insignificant change, but this simple adjustment can be very impactful.

Rather than feeling like you “should” and therefore are being held hostage by the expectations, you “could” implies that you have the choice. You have agency over what you do. The pressure is lifted and the motivation changes from external to internal.

“I could if I wanted to, if it is a priority for me”. “I could push myself if I had the time, energy, or inclination”. “I could say yes, because I don’t want to pay the cost of saying no”.

For those who aim for 100%, all the time, no matter the cost, we want to find the “middle ground”. Now that doesn’t mean you aim for a simple pass and be happy with that result. (Although “P’s get degrees”).

No, we just start at a “high distinction” level of say 75%. Put in 75% of your energy, time, and effort to START with. We don’t end there. But then you apply this 75% suggestion to other things you want to get done, and if you have time, you can circle back and choose to invest more energy, time, and effort into building from there.

You may find that you actually get more done with less stress because you aren’t constantly draining yourself trying to aim for 100% on every task (which may inadvertently paralyse you).

Of course, feel free to change that percentage to whatever you feel most comfortable to start with. Some people may be ok with 70%, others may be distressed at the concept of anything less than 95%.

Whatever it is, let it be away from 100%. Even moving down to 99% means that you are making changes to your perfectionism. Well done! There is no perfect path to unlearning perfectionism.

How a Psychologist can Help

When we get so used to one way of thinking, it becomes our reality. We may become aware of our tendency to think and act a certain way, but sometimes it is hard to figure out what to do instead. Or we may know what to do but may need a bit of support along the way.

That’s where a psychologist comes in. Sometimes what a psychologist says may seem like common sense, and you logically know it. But therapy is about connecting the dots between what we know logically, and it feeling believable and realistic.

A psychologist can help you reframe the unhelpful all-or-nothing thoughts to become more helpful and realistic. A psychologist will help you find the right balance for you, so that you don’t feel as though you’re compromising on your values.

Conclusion

Becoming aware of perfectionism is the first step in addressing it. Remembering that you are a worthwhile person regardless of what you achieve. Nobody is perfect and that is okay. We just need to do what we can, with what we have at the time. If that so happens to land at 100% then cool, but if not, we gave it our all. That’s all we can ask for.

(I’m not 100% happy with this conclusion, but hey, it’s ok. Nothing bad will happen if I leave it as is).

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About the Author

Jess Suetsugu is the Principal Clinical Psychologist here at Reimagine Psychology. Jess has over 10 years of experience helping her clients identify and challenge patterns of perfectionism. For further info about Jess, check out her profile here.